Dryness to me is a season of confusion and silence—causing me to pause and stay complacent in my faith, even when I desire to be in a more flourishing, flowing state. I do what I know how to do; I read the word, I pray, and I worship, and I have an expectation of hearing a revealing whisper from God. Still nothing. I have not written in some time because I have been in such a dry season, and with that being said, I do not want to produce anything that is not written on my heart from God. I have been praying and crying out to God to come in, reach down, and pull me out of this pit. Often I forget in these seasons that God is already near. He has never left. He is just as present during that time as when He FELT close to me. Notice how I said felt. I have feelings of closeness from God when He speaks to me. But, even if I am struggling to find words from God, regardless of what I FEEL, He is there and is expecting me to hold onto strong faith, praising Him through it all. Even if I have faith the size of a mustard seed, God rejoices. The smallness of who we are compared to the bigness of God is crazy unbelievable, and He still adores us as we mean everything to Him.
What an extravagantly awesome God we get to serve in response to His great love. Being that He is so beyond our comprehension, God gets to reveal more of Himself to us day after day, and even minute after minute. We will never run out of wisdom of our omnipotent God. To put things in the tiniest bit of relative perspective, We know that there are at least 2 TRILLION galaxies in this world, and they all appeared in the spoken words of God. In Genesis 1:1-2, it says, “In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. The earth was a formless void and darkness covered the face of the deep, while a wind from God swept over the face of the waters.” In a second, all creation came to being. We were formed from dust and became God’s children. We were put on this earth for a purpose and yearning of closeness to God, our precious Creator.
TRIGGER WARNING. I have never openly admitted this to a whole lot of people until now, but I feel as I struggle more, it is necessary to speak and call the enemy out on his belittling, good for nothing schemes. I am not sharing for sympathy— for I know I have a God who sympathizes, and nothing else matters to me than that. For about 4 years and some time, I have struggled with suicidal thoughts. I have been in therapy for 2.5 years. And in 2019, I had my first suicide attempt which led me to a behavioral health hospital in inpatient care for a week as I saw doctors and therapists who put me on medication and diagnosed me with major depression, bipolar, and PTSD. I have been begging for healing every single day since then. I lived a life full of heartache, and it just continues to ache as I navigate through life. “God, when is this going to end?! What if it doesn’t? What if I have to live the rest of my life battling these gut-wrenching, life-sucking illnesses?” These questions circle my head, and the enemy uses it to throw punches of doubt. I stumble, sulk in it, and self-harm. I perform self-destructive behaviors that later leave me with more scars and broken pieces of my heart than before. I am so glad I am not too broken for God. Restoration happens with Him.
EVEN IF.. Even if I am not healed by the miraculous healing of God, I am reminded of hope. In the book I love Jesus, But I Want to Die, I recently read, “Yes, there were certainly times Jesus performed miracles, when He touched and healed the brokenness.. But there were many, many times, Jesus simply gave hope for the future. And that hope reveals the same things about God’s care, power, and presence with us. Hope is no less powerful than miraculous healing. It still shows us that He is near and He cares deeply.” Wow that hit me real hard and spoke to me deeply as God proved to me His everlasting love, regardless of healing. It is so sweet to know that even if God doesn’t heal us in the ways we beg him to, there’s still POWERFUL HOPE in an eternal life where we are completely healed. We also get to share our struggles and stories and intimately connect with / give hope to anyone who enters our lives. I have always been told my story will help others. As much as I hate to hear that in times of suffering, I have seen my life be an encouragement to others as I point them to our loving Father.
My prayer today is that we press into and walk with the Lord through the dirt as we experience such indescribable pain. I pray that you feel the warmth through the closeness and embracing hug of our Father. I pray that an eternal hope arises in the depths of your heart, even as you face the struggles of this world. Jesus walked before us. He experienced the worst of grief, humiliation, and persecution. He knows this world is hard, and that is why He came to free us from this ugly world. It’s why He gave us His heart. Let’s join our hearts with His to become restored people in His mighty name. Let’s remember the bigness of our God and how He is always available to us. Keep going, my friend. You have purpose in this life.
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