JOY

Today was a chaotic morning; as soon as I opened my eyes, I started crying. As much as I wish this did not happen, some days are just like that for me. I have a crazy chemical imbalance that sometimes overwhelms my eyes with tears and my mind with sadness, even when I have not even started my day yet. When I realized I slept through my alarm and was going to be late for work, the tears just came faster and harder. It was going to be one of THOSE days for me—the kind of day that uncontrollably has me in the depths of the pits. (First of all, how dare I claim that over my day? The day that God has made new!) 

I have had a weird couple weeks, and although no one has really noticed, this morning seemed to be behind-the-scenes proof of it. I have not been able to accomplish goals I have set for myself, and I just always feel like I am trying to catch up to something or meet some unspoken standard that others hold me to, even though there is nothing to catch up to or no one to impress. That is when I knew my thoughts were lies and that today had to be the day to get rid of those sneaky, negative, self-sabotaging thoughts. I recognized last night that something has been off, and now it was my responsibility to do something about the way I had been thinking and measuring my productivity or worth or whatever other label I identified myself. I would like to say that recognizing the problem and knowing there needed to be change is a milestone for me. I have always struggled with identifying what the issue was much less have a plan to fix it. So yay! This is proof that focus and practice and prayer really work together for the goodness of what is meant to be.

Although I struggle with depression heavily, and today seemed like it was going to overtake me with my mind and body being in a funk, I could sense joy arising in me as I kept going. Joy has always been a special word to me because joy is what Christ has brought, and I fight alongside God every hour of every day to possess that christ-filled joy in my life. The joy is always there, but we forget to accept it sometimes. For me, it seems impossible to have such glorious joy when I constantly feel like life is sucking everything good out of me, but today is my attempt to stand against the enemy and reclaim Jesus’s victory!

Like I said, I thought this morning was a setup for disaster, however things started to change as I pushed through the feelings of wanting to give up. I still managed to get out of bed, I rushed to get dressed, and I made it to work. At work, I got to hang out with my favorite tiny humans. I began to slow down and relax knowing that I am so blessed to be able to work with these kids. I left work and just felt this overflowing feeling of thankfulness. Although a chaotic morning, I seemed to be enjoying my day as I was reminded of little victories. If you were able to read a previous blog of mine when I shared more of my story, you know that I have been battling the ugly, self destructive behavior of self-harm. But TODAY makes 25 days since the last time I have given into that. 25 DAYS! That is something I am happy about and I am celebrating today. Along with that, I have not have not had a suicidal thought or given into other self-destructive behaviors for the same amount of time. These are the wins I forgot about but are so much more important than the lies I sang to myself this morning as I seemed to fail the second I opened my eyes. 

Here’s the thing: We oftentimes devote ourselves to things that fail us. As much as I hate to admit it, there was a time of serious devotion that I spent to self-harm, and that devotion has done nothing but make the hurts and heartaches worse. I mentioned that Christ brought joy. It is obvious that I had not devoted myself to the joy of the Lord when I turned to self-harm. In fact, I was running away from that joy, hoping that the pain I inflicted would somehow, in some strange and unknown way take away the gaping pain that just seemed to grow. I am more than aware that what I would do to “fix” the problem just made things worse— leaving me with added emotional pain, physical pain, spiritual pain, and some obvious ugly scars. Why did I still turn to that? I had made such a habit of hurting myself that it became instinct to me. I took my eyes off the Lord and stood at the edge of that gaping hole of pain ready to jump into it head first; it is what I devoted my time to, so my eyes were always fixed on the problem and not the healer. I would beg God to take the desires away from me, but I would do nothing on my end to turn my eyes back to the Lord, the One who brought me through this heartache time and time again.

The Israelites were pretty similar to me in the fact that their eyes wandered on things other than God. God used Joshua to help guide the Israelites to the city of Jericho, but corruption began to take place once they got there and overcame it. (You can read more about God’s plan for Joshua and the city of Jericho in my last blog post.) We seem to get to a destination of complacency in our lives, more than likely when good things are happening, and we take what is good and blessed and begin to corrupt it as we wander our eyes from the giver to other less important things. I can imagine God thinking towards the Israelites, “HELLO! I have a plan for you! It does not stop once you are here! Please keep your focus on me because I have more to offer you!” God is passionate beyond any measurement and with every right is jealous. I mean, God just saved their lives, and the Israelites did not give Him any kind of recognition or applause for that. Quickly, they moved on past the wonders of our saving God and it became instant history. The Israelites began living life as if God had already given them all they would ever need. They tried to continue and attempted to defeat cities but were soon faced with attacks, which lead them to think that God was not keeping His promise. One thing they forgot though is the Father. They began to live a miserable life without Him, and they soon realized that when God spoke to them through Joshua (Joshua 7:12): “‘That is why the Israelites cannot stand against their enemies; they turn their backs and run because the have been made liable to destruction. I will not be with you anymore unless you destroy whatever among you is devoted to destruction.’” He continued in verse 13 by saying “‘There are devoted things among you, Israel. You cannot stand against your enemies until you remove them.’” WOAH. As I read this, I could not only relate with the Israelites and how they felt defeated, but I felt deep conviction for bringing the defeat upon myself as my devotion turned away from God. Instead, I turned to self-destructive behaviors that my friend reminded me were NOT FROM GOD. No wonder the victory has been lost in defeat. I have been digging a hole deeper for myself as I ran away from God’s vision. 

Today I pray that you are able to identify the things keeping you from JOY. I pray that you go further in your walk with the Lord, and with Him, you demolish those things that dull out His JOY. I pray that as your eyes are fixed on God, you experience many wins. I pray that you outrun those feelings of despair as you jump into the arms of our JOYFUL Father. Let us start by fixing our gaze on the One who gives such JOY. Thank Him, and turn to Him. Only there will you defeat the enemy.