I feel extremely content and loved and seen when reading through God’s Word. I am in awe at the complexities of everything as I begin to dive into scripture. I get to enter into a world of renewing and beauty as I read through creation. I get lost in the pages and also in God’s presence. Revelation after revelation is revealed to me as I spend time with God. It is unexplainable at the joy that my being is consumed with when I am enveloped in this heavenly experience. I get a glimpse of the holiness that God is, and it makes me want to just sit in a timeless world of wonder at the fullness and weight of His glory. I find myself getting so lost that the realties of this world do not exist to me. They slip away. I am filled with hope from a God who is light in the darkness.
The reality of my world is filled with darkness, but when I sit still and truly let God in (no filter placed between the two of us), I am pleased at the Father’s warmth in my heart. I am reminded of truth and brought back to the heart of God. I can sense a feeling of wholeness as pieces of my broken heart are mended together into the right places. My heart may ache at the sight of my life, but when focused on God, my heart beats a little more in tune with His.
I can feel myself wanting to propel forward into what He has for me, but my mind is clouded as I am reminded of the times before when I have propelled forward. Those times have seemed to be like a rush of fresh, breezy wind that I would fly through. As I have flown through the air, the fresh and breezy wind has always gently hit me in the face with a type of awakening. I imagine myself being there right now. For some reason, I always fall down to the ground at some point in my glide through the air. God makes the smooth glide available to me, but at some point, I get stuck. I get stuck in this weird in-between; I try to move forward, but I keep looking back. I am frustrated at myself when I look at my flights through life because they have always looked like this. I spend some time on the runway preparing myself for this big jump that, with God, will lead me in a long-lasting, refreshing flight that will never fall into a pit but instead, continue to take me places of unknown territory where I would learn and grow.
My brain is confused when I think of all the possibilities of why I fall so often. Is my faith not strong enough? Am I not doing enough? Is it me? Am I too much? The reasons are circling in my head as I try to make sense of it all. I have a few approaches when I think of this. I understand that as a human in my sinful nature, I will fall, no doubt. That is simply the reality of living in a fallen world. Maybe I am putting too much emphasis on the fickle ability I have as a human to keep up with the constant that is only available through God. Because God is constant and therefore eternal, maybe I just get caught up in things of the past (which are not eternal) as I am flying through new territory. Literally speaking, when you look back, you take your focus off what it was on before, and your eyesight is refocused on your new target. Maybe that’s why I fall? Maybe my focus is wrongly shifted.
As I have said before, when I am in God’s Word, the realities of this world do not exist to me. My focus is on Him only. The second I trance from His perfect presence to the brokenness of the life I live, I am frozen with fear. To help, I write. I journal out my thoughts and blog through the revelations from God that come about. I come to these realizations when I’m writing; my heart is passionate and transformative, but it’s as if the passion and transformation slowly disappear when I stop looking at the screen. When I am flying through that fresh, breezy wind that I have talked about, I feel as though I am with God and He is propelling me forward. Then something happens. Maybe I get distracted and look down. Maybe I see how far up I am and that terrifies me because I am taken to a place I have never been before. Maybe when I look down and I am paralyzed with shock, I begin to look back at the things I am familiar with. Maybe those things are deep pain and affliction that my experience thus far has only ever known. Maybe God is trying to take me on this once-in-a-lifetime experience that I could only ever have with him, but I am brought back to what I am used to, therefore, getting stuck in this cycle of the in-between. Maybe healing is there for me in those unknown areas I am scared to go. Maybe I should trust more and allow God to take the lead as my eyes are fixed on Him only. Maybe I will never actually get there until I am face to face with Jesus. But maybe not. I do believe that though this world is fallen, Jesus allows us to experience Him here where we are. My limited mind only allows that experience to go so far, but my prayer is that my wonder never stops and that I can continue to experience Him in the confusion. I pray that all these experiences will add up to the fullness I will experience when my time here on earth is over and I am with my Creator.
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