4 years ago started the downward spiral of the worst year of my life. It also uprooted something in me that I never knew existed. I tell the gory, unforgettable (yet wish-I-could-forget) details to shed some light on the darkest moments of who you would expect to be the happiest, life-of-the-party person’s life. Like most people, I covered up the hurt I was feeling on the inside. In public, I pretended it wasn’t there—that was until I could no longer hide the gaping hole of sadness that consumed my life. I spent every single day drowned in my own tears, I barely lifted my head above the pillow, and I slowly sunk into the pulling flow of death that wanted to overcome my life. I remember the thoughts all too well and wish I could go back and comfort myself with what I know now. But, back then, I was blinded by the all-consuming will to die. Point blankly, I did not want to live. Every waking hour was miserable. I would cry til my eyes crusted over with too much weight and would spend too much time in my car ( or on my bathroom floor) sticking my head out the backseat (or into a toilet bowl) to puke up all the uneasy feelings that were crowding my body. I was grasping for deep breaths every second I laid awake. I desired so badly to calm the pain, but nothing seemed to work. I was stuck in this defeated mindset that I was broken beyond repair and that I was meant to stay fragmented my whole life; that was until one day I would eventually take my own life away—making everything “better and smoother.” With time and persistence, with friends and loved ones cheering me on, it wasn’t until I persevered in Jesus that I realized this life was in fact not my own to take. This is still very much a hard and learning concept to remember, especially on the bad days when all seems to be going wrong, when I tend to slip away and lose the will to keep going.
There are hard days, there are easy days, and then there are all the days in between. This life is not easy. And that is one bold statement I think every person from all different backgrounds and stories can agree on. But guess what? It was never meant to be easy. And that’s a pill that sucks to swallow. The creation of our lives is so sacred and beautiful, yet our existence is tainted with an enemy who likes to kill, steal, and destroy (John10:10). Christian or not, you know that verse. It is all too real, and we all experience the effects of a fallen world that wants to separate us from our original intent to be with the One who created us. This world truly does suck, but I am thankful for a God that still reaches out in the pits of our darkest moments. See, it has never been about us, but God so graciously and carefully loves us enough to not leave us where it sucks. He takes us further and further, and I could not imagine a life worth living outside of what He has for me. Figuring out my purpose in life feels impossible aside from Christ, but with Him, I want to conquer the world for His name’s sake.
This is what we are called to do: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself’” (Matthew 22:37-39). I am tired of living in my own little world and being so consumed with all things that tear down God’s will for my life. I am tired of living in a realm of confusion and haziness. I am tired of feeling one way but doing the opposite. I am tired of pretending to know what I am doing when I don’t. I don’t want to be seen as a judge—I am not one nor do I want that type of responsibility. I do not want to be seen as a hypocrite, someone who preaches one thing and does another. This life is hard, and I am human, trying to navigate this crazy world, just as you are. Let’s do this together. Let’s lean in and hear from God. Together. 4 years ago I isolated myself from all things God had for me, and I ended the year trying to end my life on this earth. I saw no hope in the near future. There is where God met me. Shattered into countless pieces, I could not see a version of any type of wholeness that God promised. Somehow, I kept going. Somehow, God spared my life and kept me here. Somehow, I started seeing glimpses of hope. Somehow, there began a spark of life that I never saw before. This “somehow” was no coincidence. This “somehow” was God working in my life. Through His gentle whispers that echoed in my ears, from the people and places and events put into my life by Him, I was able to see that I am a daughter of a King who is lavishly chasing me down to be with me.
There is so much to unpack here in my story, but the moral of my story is this: I am broken, by no doubts, but I am also whole in the One who created me in my mother’s womb, who has knit me together and has made me fearfully and wonderfully (Psalm 139:13-14). This could be your story too—from broken to whole. There are many versions of Jesus created in the minds of everyone that exists, but what will your version be like? Will it be supported by the truth of knowledge? Will it show a redemptive story of a God that came down to be us, to live with us, to die FOR us so that we can be made whole again? Will you let Jesus be part of your story? I can only hope and pray that I will take the experiences I have with Jesus and carry it with me until my time on earth is up. There is no greater gift. There is no greater hope in this world. I did not get pulled from the worst moments of my life to sit and sulk like I sometimes want to do.
I am in a constant battle of trying to get to Him. Things of this world are put in my way and obstacles are constantly stumbling in front of me on my path, but one thing I know for sure is that I am thankful for this journey. As Romans 5:2-5 says, “We boast in the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character, and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us,” we get to experience breakthrough on the other side of our suffering. Our faith in Jesus gives us this incredible ability to move from suffering to glory. Today is my reminder to not stay in the depths of despair but to look forward, even THROUGH the pain, to keep going on this path that I know I am supposed to live. Let’s write down those things that speak truth and keep it on us when we want to believe the lies that consume our minds. For me, this truth is Psalm 116. It is not permanently tattooed on my body for funzies; Psalm 116 is my reminder that God has saved my life. I have purpose here. I am loved by the Creator of this universe. I am not stuck in the depths of death and chaos. There IS hope in my future.
Psalm 116
1
I love the Lord, for he heard my voice;
he heard my cry for mercy.
2
Because he turned his ear to me,
I will call on him as long as I live.
3
The cords of death entangled me,
the anguish of the grave came over me;
I was overcome by distress and sorrow.
4
Then I called on the name of the Lord:
“Lord, save me!”
5
The Lord is gracious and righteous;
our God is full of compassion.
6
The Lord protects the unwary;
when I was brought low, he saved me.
7
Return to your rest, my soul,
for the Lord has been good to you.
8
For you, Lord, have delivered me from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling,
9
that I may walk before the Lord
in the land of the living.
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